Self sabotage is one of the most insane, self-destructive human behaviors.
This page is about self sabotage which leads to the break-up of even the most wonderful relationships.
I had been through several relationships in my life, which broke-up, mostly because I used to suffer from a subconscious drive towards self-destruction.
What follows is not just a theory of relationship-related self sabotage. It is an insight into the actual workings of the subconscious - self-sabotage-creating - psychological mechanism, which ruins human relationships.
I've written this page for the people who have a history of sabotaging their relationships, hoping that what I've presented here will enable at least some of them to become consciously aware of what they've been doing to themselves and to others, outside of their conscious awareness.
I am not saying that all of the relationship-breakups are the result of self sabotage. All I'm saying is that a lot of human relationships end up broken because people have a tendency to sabotage themselves.
If you had experienced a traumatic rejection during your formative years, you've ended up with a stamp of mistrust impressed on your subconscious mind.
The rejection which you went through hypnotized you into believing that you could not trust anyone.
When there is a lack of trust, there is also lack of safety, and because safety is your most basic psychological need, you've always done all that you possibly could to establish safety in your life.
And how would you establish for yourself a feeling of safety when you are involved in a relationship?
Obviously, in order to attain a sense of assurance in any area of life, you must subject that area to the process of repeated stress-testing, to find out, whether or not, the object of your testing behavior would hold its integrity under the pressure of adverse circumstances.
And just like the auto-makers test the safety of their vehicles, by repeatedly crashing them - you've been testing the safety and the value of your relationships by subjecting them to the damaging stress-testing procedures.
There is a paradox at work here.
The paradox is that you are desperate for safety, which you potentially could derive from a relationship, and yet, in order to get the assurance of safety, you've been stress-testing - to the point of destruction - every relationship, which could potentially provide you with the safety you've been searching for.
Paradoxically - in various, subconsciously driven, creative ways - you've been putting so much strain on your relationships, that you've eventually managed to break them down.
And how would you do this?
You would do it through your outbursts of anger, blaming, physical and psychological abuse, criticism and excessive expectations.
There are many ingenious ways, in which - driven by your subconscious necessity to finally establish a solid feeling of safety in your life - you could keep on testing your partner.
And when your partner could not take your abuse any longer, when he or she would leave you - you would get yet another confirmation of your subconscious belief that you could trust no one, and start looking for another victim, to whom you could apply your safety-testing procedures again.
It's insane, isn't it? And yet, that's how you've been operating in your life!
You've been self sabotaging yourself as a result of being hypnotized into MISTRUST - most likely very early, during your formative years. And unless your self-sabotage-creating hypnosis is undone, you are going to keep on self-sabotaging all of your valuable relationships.
The more valuable they are, the more of the stress-testing pressure you will be applying to them.
What we all need the most is the feeling of security in our lives.
Our need for safety frequently creates totally crazy, paradoxical behaviors, which destroy precisely that what could potentially give us the security we are searching for.
A few days ago a homeless person has told me: "I don't want to become so secure that I would start feeling insecure, because of the fear of losing my security".
I wonder, is it possible that he is homeless simply because he can't psychologically afford the security of a home?
You see, you may have been stress-testing not only your relationships with humans but also your relationship with God.
And this means that whatever good you've been ever granted in your life - instead of embracing it and using it to your advantage - you've destroyed it, just to see, whether or not, God would bail you out, just to see if you could trust in God.
In this way, you may have ruined many great opportunities.
In closing, I would like to say that I've seen many cases of self sabotage, over almost three decades of my counseling and hypnotherapy practice, and have been able to help many of my self-sabotage-plagued clients.
Feel free to send me an email and tell me about your own self sabotage case. The chances are I may be able to help.